Dating Tips|Relationship Advice|Love Strategies


ir•re•sist•ible: 1. the inability to oppose, withstand, or keep from temptation. 2. having an overpowering appeal. 3. in the context of dating, a woman that every man desires to love.

An honest male perspective: Variety is the spice of love and life! The more ways you can be appealing to another person, the more interested they will be in you. When it comes to dating men, make sure that you show them many facets of your personality. That way, boredom doesn’t become an important concern for the man.

For many years, I had a hunger for carrot cake with creamcheese frosting. That hunger, however, came to an end when a popular gourmet foods store near my home, Trader Joe’s, started selling a delicious carrot cake for only $2.49 a loaf. For about six months straight, I went to Trader Joe’s and bought several loaves of carrot cake to snack on. But like with most foods, the novelty soon wore off and now I no longer have carvings for carrot cake whatsoever!

Sometimes we find in our lives that once a hunger is satisfied --- whether it be physical or emotional --- new and different items will then be needed to keep our appetites going. After a while, we get bored with what we craved, no matter how strong the craving was at first.


Women write to me often with questions and comments around the topic of “what do men really want in a woman?” Frequently they feel that “men only have one thing on their minds”(sex). However, I also find many complaints about men who seem to lose their desire for sex and physical intimacy with time.

An example of this loss of interest was presented recently by a woman who wrote:

“I’ve been dating a great guy for four months. Things moved very quickly at first. We spent every night of the first two months together. Then we agreed to stop the every night thing and went to a four or five days a week pattern. That worked out great for a while, but then all of a sudden he decided that we should stop having sex altogether until he figures out what he wants. We still see each other four to five nights a week and talk a lot but there’s no SEX! This man says he cares a lot for me, calls me all the time, and is always asking me to do things with him --- including traveling together over the holidays. But he does not want to have sex right now. He told me that he is not sure if he’s ready for a committed relationship. I never brought up that issue. Besides, my main concern is what happened to the guy who had the ‘hots’ for me? I’m so confused and hurt by all of this. Can you tell me what this all means and what I’m supposed to do?”

Evidently, a lot of men these days pursue women too aggressively at first, and then quickly fade away after they get the sex or attention they initially desired so much. On the surface, it looks like men are entirely at fault for this confusing behavior. But even well-meaning, high-quality men can still go through this same kind of progression --- aggressive pursuit to gradual withdrawal --- despite their deeper wishes for love.

Unleash The “Hottie” Within

Here are some ideas on how a woman can become sexier in the eyes of men. Remember that sexiness is more than skin deep and is largely about being self-confident and expressing yourself tastefully in a feminine way. Check out this list and find some things that you can mix into your personal style. Most of all, keep in mind that it is the “hottie” ingredient that stirs up the initial desire in men and contributes greatly to the high levels of chemistry that are essential for getting a man’s elusive commitment.

So what’s the root of the problem? What do men really want? And how can a sensible woman keep a good man satisfied but yet hungry for more?


A good friend of mine, fresh from a nasty divorce, became romantically involved with a professional exotic dancer. And yes, she was “hot.”

For several months, my buddy Tony was on a fantasy high from the thrills of dating this exciting woman. I’d see him in popular nightclubs showing Cindy off and having a great time with all of the attention that was coming his way. But a few months later, I found out that Tony was back on the prowl again looking for a more suitable love partner to fully invest himself in for the long term.

Tony told me that his brief romance with the exotic dancer was both “the best and worst of times.” Apparently, Cindy’s unstable and unhealthy lifestyle habits of late hours, drugs, alcohol, and bizarre acquaintances started to drive my friend nuts. The relationship provided a strange mix of passion, excitement, jealousy, fear, and chaos.

As much as Tony liked the “highs,” he couldn’t handle the ever increasing “lows” of being in that relationship. Besides, my friend confided that the bottom line for him was never being able to “take her home to meet Momma.” That meant that Tony couldn’t see himself taking the relationship seriously and introducing Cindy to his family.

I’m sure that this exotic dancer was heartbroken with the demise of her relationship with my friend. After all, she was as physically attractive and sexy as a woman could possibly be. But in the end, a relationship that only filled one emotional need, such as excitement, was not enough to sustain my friend’s overall desires for his life.

Too much of a good thing can eventually become boring and unfulfilling --- especially if it is the only enticing thing that a person has to offer. A big secret to having a successful love relationship is to make sure that the relationship itself offers a combination of both variety and stability.


I believe most men equate their love for a woman in terms of their desire for her. They will initially want her attention, affection, companionship, and probably the chance to have sex with her as well. But the danger is that a man can satisfy his initial hunger for a woman and then feel that he’s lost his love for her. That’s when he starts doubting his love and looks around for other women to stir up his desires.

What makes this more difficult to understand for women is that men also have changing needs. Men may want passion at first, but later want less excitement. Men may also want stability in their relationships, but soon complain after achieving it about becoming bored. Lastly, men may feel loved by a woman and want to connect deeply, but be apprehensive about the responsibilities that go along with investing in a long-term equal partnership.

So what’s a sensitive woman to do with the men in her life who have ever-changing desires and hungers that become satisfied so quickly?


There are three solutions to this dilemma. One is to tell unenlightened men to take a hike and not even bother with them. Another is to only deal with more appreciative or emotionally mature men who don’t have significant issues about commitment. And finally, a woman can develop and offer more facets within herself. In this way, a smart woman can naturally show her most appealing and impressive qualities as the situation dictates.

For example, a woman can offer stability while not being boring. She can be exciting without being chaotic. This same woman can be respected for her accomplishments, admired for her poise, and liked for her warmth and kindness. It all comes down to developing a good personality mix that can flourish in a variety of environments.

To further develop your personality mix, consider these five facets of a woman’s persona that should serve you well in getting and keeping a man’s attention and love:

The Hottie. This is the sexy, feminine part of a woman that makes her desirable to men. Being a “hottie” involves how she looks, moves, and acts. In terms of looks, our popular culture largely defines what makes a woman physically attractive. In addition, a smart woman should aim to be physically fit and have a healthy attitude about her body. A “hottie” acts with confidence, playfulness, sensuality, and mystique. She dresses in a way that accentuates her highlights tastefully. She moves elegantly with attractive and feminine hand gestures, facial expressions, and body postures. Most importantly, the woman who is most largely characterized as a “hottie” is the first one who grabs the attention of men. If you want a man to be really into you from the start, then make a strong impression with your “hottie” element early on. Being a “hottie” isn’t everything when it comes to love. But having a “hottie” element in your personality mix makes you more attractive to men and may clearly set you apart from your immediate competition. When the moment is appropriate, don’t hesitate to give your dating prospects a good glimpse of your “hottie” ingredient in action.

The Sweetie. This is the side of a woman that brings warmth, kindness, sensitivity, and peacefulness to a relationship. The “sweetie” is understanding, supportive, and caring, which are outstanding qualities to have for longterm love relationships. In the short-run, the “sweetie” may be overlooked because of a competing “hottie.” The “sweetie” may occasionally hear men say, “I would never want to hurt you” because they may like her more like a sister or close friend than as a lover. But it is the “sweetie” element that men adore and like so it should never be discounted or underappreciated. While a man’s physical desires naturally wane, his enjoyment of a true “sweetie” always remains intact. A “hottie” who doesn’t have a “sweetie” element within her is a prime candidate for an unfortunate love-hate relationship.

The Pal. What good is it for a couple to have common interests, similar values, and mutual attraction, if they can’t stand each other? In my years as a professional tour director, I have frequently come across vacationing couples who always seem to get on each other’s nerves. I often wonder how miserable their lives have been over all the years. It seems these partners really don’t get along, and they treat each other with hostility rather than with the warmth and kindness of a dear friend. True friends are usually patient, kind, supportive, compassionate, and fun to be around. On the other hand, people in difficult relationships will typically treat their partners with an assortment of controlling demands, insensitive remarks, and unfair judgments. A strong “pal” side of a woman allows her to be a great companion who can easily get along with a man’s friends and family. She naturally becomes a part of his social lifestyle. She is someone that he can enjoy taking anywhere, under most any circumstance, regardless of whom else is there. The woman who has a strong “Pal” element can expect to spend more time with a man, and she will have a better chance of expanding their relationship into a more full-time true love partnership.

The Prize. Men often value a woman based partly on what other men think. As silly as it might sound, this behavior is based on a psychological element identified as “social proof” by Dr. Robert B. Cialdini in the book, Influence: The New Psychology of Modern Persuasion. The principle behind “social proof” is that we unconsciously will feel and do the same as others around us. In the case of “The Prize,” a woman who is desired by other men will have a higher perceived value. If a woman isn’t desired by others, that naturally makes a man wonder if there might be something wrong with her as a potential love partner. When a woman is highly “prized,” then a man will recognize his window of opportunity with her. He’ll know that if he doesn’t act quickly, he probably won’t get a chance with her again. This man’s fear is that she will be won over by the next guy who tries to get her attention. The fear of a lost opportunity causes men to pursue quicker and harder with a woman who is in demand.

The Person. This part of a woman is respected for her accomplishments, talents, knowledge, expertise, and strength of character. A sensitive man is in awe of any woman who can consistently demonstrate her strengths as an overall responsible, mature, trustworthy, and loving human-being. This kind of respect becomes a vital ingredient to making any love relationship work in the long term, whether it’s a social, professional, or romantic relationship. When a woman enters the dating world without a strong “Person” element, she will likely come across men who treat her like a doormat. They will be inclined to ignore the loving individual that she truly is inside.

By integrating these five aspects into your personality mix, you will become an irresistible love partner that men will want to have in their lives. This is the only kind of woman who will have the impact, versatility, dimension, depth, and endurance to keep a man’s ever-changing desires satisfied over the long haul.


Take a moment and give yourself a grade (A = excellent, B = above average, C = average, D = below average, F = very weak) for each of the five facets mentioned previously. Next, based on the grades you’ve given yourself, figure out what is the strongest and weakest part of your dating personality. If, for example, the strongest ingredient of your personality is “The Sweetie,” make sure that you let your warmth and kindness shine in the beginning of your next dating experience. Notice the effect that you have on other people when you go immediately towards your strength.

Now think of someone you know who is strong in an area where you are weaker. Hang out with that person and start noticing how they think and what they do in order to let that part of them shine. With a commitment to constant improvement, you can elevate your weaker facets until they reach a point where they also shine in the jewel of your personality.

The key here is to identify and evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of your dating persona. Then commit to improving yourself through focus and practice. That way, you can become at least a “B” in every facet for the benefit of your own self-confidence and the long-term attention of men.

Note that a certain man may find one or more particular facets of your personality more appealing than others. As your relationship develops, be aware of keeping those facets especially strong, while maintaining a balance of the others for your satisfaction and his.


Dating sucks when you either can’t attract a good man or are unable to keep men interested in you very long. But dating rocks when your appeal is powerful enough to attract a wide choice of high-quality suitors. Then your varied personality mix will be even more richly appreciated as your love relationship develops over time.