THE CERTAINTY PRINCIPLE
Dating Tips | Relationship Advice | Love Strategies
"DATING ROCKS WHEN YOU CREATE UNSHAKABLE CONVICTIONS OF THE HEART"
cer•tain•ty: 1. freedom from doubt and having supreme confidence. 2. an absolute knowing that something is fact, unquestionable, and indisputable. 3. in the context of love, when both partners put their full trust into their relationship because of their unshakable convictions of the heart.
An honest male perspective: For passionate, romantic people, getting attracted to someone and falling in love is fun and easy. However, the harder part for these people is staying in love by making the relationship work. While all of that process may not seem like fun, the challenge of making a relationship work is the time-tested path to happiness and fulfillment. In previous chapters, we’ve covered various ways to prevent negative feelings from destroying a relationship. This chapter will focus on what it takes to create continuous positive memories that accumulate value for the love partnership.
Britney Spears was recognized by Access Hollywood as the most-covered celebrity of 2004. With two quick marriages within that year --- the first to a high-school classmate from Louisiana (this union ended in an annulment) and second to one of her backup dancers --- the Pop Princess certainly kept her love life in the entertainment headlines.
Britney’s second marriage, to backup dancer Kevin Federline, was reportedly scheduled originally for November 2004. However, the two moved the date up to September 19, and wed in a top-secret ceremony in the backyard of a private residence, despite not having filed their marriage license yet. “I know we’re not completely legal until we file the license,” Spears said. “But in a real sense, in a spiritual sense, we’re married. I believe you also marry in your heart and that means much more than a piece of paper....the real truth is love. We know we have that.”
A wedding comes at a time when both people feel that they are deeply in love with each other. At this early point, the future appears filled with ever-lasting happiness. But with national statistics stating that one out of two marriages ends in divorce, the reality is that love as we’ve come to know it doesn’t last for many couples.
As a smart woman looking to get and keep a long-term love relationship, it’s important to know what actions to take and which ones to avoid. Otherwise, the love that you thought was the “real truth” may turn out to be just another failure to add to the national divorce statistics.
A love that doesn’t last can be a frustrating, hurtful, and disappointing experience for both partners. One woman sent the following note to me about how her once-great relationship eventually turned sour:
“I’m writing to you because I’m convinced that love doesn’t last! In my situation, I really loved my boyfriend up until recently and I thought that he was my true soulmate. But that’s certainly not how I feel anymore! Nobody knows what I have had to put up with when it comes to him. He lies all the time, gets jealous for no apparent reason, and hangs out with his buddies every chance he gets. What really ticks me off is that he’s always checking out the hot women during every date we have! He almost never makes any plans for us. And when he finally does, he’s usually real late, cancels at the last moment, or has some lame excuse about being too tired. Of course, when it comes to romance and making love tenderly, I get very little. This man claims he loves me so much that he can’t live without me, but he avoids making any real efforts to be sensitive to my needs. I think that I’ve finally had enough of this miserable relationship. It keeps getting worse, not better! But what’s bad is that I don’t see how it could ever change. I’m out of here!”
While good fortune plays an important part in experiencing the magical qualities of a romantic relationship, longterm adult love requires more hard work and emotional maturity than mere luck. For many young couples, the concept of work seems like a sure-fire way of killing the romance. But as more enlightened people will attest, keeping your fingers crossed and hoping things will always be great is not a proactive, sensible strategy for love. Instead, you’ll need to learn to handle the inevitable challenges that will occur in your relationship over time.
As a former member of motivational expert Tony Robbins’ seminar trainer staff, I was introduced to several methods for achieving success in various areas of a person’s life. I remember sitting in a hotel conference room in Palm Springs, California back in the mid-1990s when Robbins came into our trainer’s meeting talking a mile a minute. His topic was a new understanding that he had around the concept of beliefs. Tony said in effect that the most critical key to becoming successful at anything of value was for a person to possess a “flat-out knowing” or “100% conviction” about their ability to achieve a desired outcome. He eventually labeled this concept “absolute certainty.”
I’ve found that the certainty principle can also be applied to love. My major point here is that being completely certain about your love for each other is what will enable you and your partner to love and give freely without hesitation. When certainty is present, couples will do all they can to prevent negative feelings from persisting. In addition, they do everything in their power to experience an abundance of positive feelings for each other.
Conviction is the highest form of belief. With daily random acts of warmth, kindness, patience, and love, a couple can block out a lot of the negative feelings that put an end to many relationships. These acts allow each person to experience the peace of mind that comes from true convictions reinforced by visible actions.
A basic strategy for keeping love alive is to: (1) prevent all negative feelings from stacking up and (2) make sure that a wide array of highly positive feelings accumulate abundantly. When this becomes a consistent pattern, then both people become absolutely certain that their love will last and bring each other joy.
The following are ideas on how to establish the conviction that causes couples to give abundantly to their partner so the relationship will be enhanced:
Use loving words, gestures, and actions. Give sincere appreciation to your mate by what you say and do. While conventional wisdom says that actions speak louder than words, make sure that you don’t let your actions do all of the talking either. Well-chosen words and thoughtful small acts can often strike a deeper chord with your partner than an infrequent grand gesture of love.
Fill each other’s needs. Do your best to give in a variety of different ways to your partner. There will be times when an act of kindness will be more greatly appreciated than an act of passion. Your mate may be in a place where he needs to feel more connected or understood than at other times. The key is to be the one who fills your partner’s most sensitive needs in a style that is uniquely you. Otherwise, a lack of sensitivity may cause an unenlightened love partner to go outside of the relationship in order to have his emotional needs filled by someone else. This can lead to negative consequences for both of you.
Ask for what you want. Your partner is not a mind reader. If you’re not getting your emotional needs filled, you’ll have to ask for his assistance. However, asking must be done correctly or else it will be construed as you just being demanding. To help you ask more intelligently, here are some key things to consider: (1) ask at an appropriate time, (2) ask for permission to ask, (3) ask specifically for what you want, (4) ask by stating what’s in it for him, (5) ask in a sensitive, loving way, (6) ask with a higher purpose in mind, and (7) ask with the courage and conviction of knowing that this is the right thing to do. Think of asking for what you want as a form of feedback that is necessary in order to keep your relationship correctly on track towards excellence.
Choose love over being right. Often in our relationships, we become fixated on what’s wrong or needs to be improved. Sometimes we even withhold our love until certain conditions are met by our partners. But most importantly, we must realize that our basic love for each other can be lost in the daily struggle over small issues. When we begin to understand that this destructive habit is occurring, it’s important to choose the higher value of love (kindness, caring, trust, patience) over the lower value of being right or getting your way on insignificant things.
Never break the trust. Some people believe that they have to go outside of their relationship in order to have their emotional needs filled. This may be appropriate in some cases, but clear boundaries must be drawn. If these needs involve some sort of immoral behavior, like having an affair, then feelings of betrayal may completely destroy the relationship. It’s often too late and not enough to apologize after the fact. A wise partner realizes that trust is like tissue in the wind; once torn it can never be returned to its original pristine state. Always remember that destroying trust is a relationship deal-breaker for many people.
Don’t ever threaten the relationship. When things go wrong in a love relationship, it’s a common but unwise practice to threaten to leave your partner. We tend to think that if something is not working to our satisfaction, then someone is to blame. At that point, we then will typically place the blame on the other person without enough regard for our own contributions to the problem. If creating fear in a partner doesn’t get them to change to our liking, we can be tempted to look elsewhere towards greener pastures. A wiser choice is to discipline your thinking in this area. Creating uncertainty in a relationship is a guaranteed way of stopping the flow of love. Once this happens, a downward spiral of resentment and poor communications leads to regrettable actions and irreversible negative consequences.
Schedule and create special moments to treasure. Smart life-management strategies include making sure that you and your partner have enough quality time together. You can prevent neglect from ruining your romance by scheduling regular date nights, weekend getaways, and memorable vacations throughout the year. These special moments together can revitalize your love for each other. In addition, be on the lookout for romantic opportunities in your normal day-to-day life which can be made extra special with a little awareness and creativity.
Agree on a higher standard for your relationship. If you give your relationship a fine reputation to live up to in your daily lives together, that standard will pull you through many challenging times. While others around you may accept their substandard, mediocre relationships, you and your partner can take ownership of the situation and say something like, “This challenge isn’t really about us. We have come too far together to let this obstacle stand in our way. Our relationship is above all of this junk. Together, we will find a way to get through this thing. Every challenge presents us with the seeds of opportunity to grow together and become more emotionally mature.” By maintaining a high standard for your relationship, you can rise above the petty bickering and deal effectively with the issues that really matter.
Become full-time love partners with exceptions. In In a previous chapter, I wrote about the concept of full-time and part-time love partners. In most cases, the type of relationship that offers full commitment and the freedom to grow in other healthy areas is what I call “full-time partners with exceptions.” In this arrangement, the two love-partners share the heart of a couple, but allow space for each person to pursue key individual interests. The amount of the exception is what has to be agreed upon between the two people in the relationship. What seems to happen frequently is that the woman will feel she is a “full-time partner only” and that her man is not contributing at the same level of commitment. This probably means that the man has to cut down on his amount of exceptions and convince his partner that his heart is fully committed to her. She, on the other hand, should become less dependent and branch out on her own in a few areas that are of particular value and interest to her. Keep in mind that a woman who appears too needy and dependent is not appreciated or desired by the overwhelming majority of men.
By creating unshakable convictions of the heart, a couple can remove any doubt about the future and create a steady flow of love that reenergizes the relationship.
If you’re in a relationship right now, take a moment and decide on one thing that you can do today to increase your partner’s certainty about your love for each other. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture of love. Even a simple phone call or an act of kindness like a sincere compliment would fit the bill. Just for today, be willing to raise the standards in your love life with at least one purposeful action.
If you’re not currently in a relationship, think of something that you can do today to cheer up a friend, co-worker, or family member. No matter what kind of relationship you’re in, remember that most of the people you associate with will respond favorably to anything that you do or say with kindness, thoughtfulness, and sincerity.
Finally, realize that you have the power to either start or stop the flow of love in your love life in a heartbeat. If your acts of love and kindness are genuine, then your partner will reciprocate back to you naturally. This simple practice will automatically reshape your love destiny together one joyful moment at a time.
Dating sucks when couples create doubt in each other and the relationship by expressing careless remarks and making unwise decisions. But dating rocks when both love partners are completely certain about their love for each other and show it through their consistent daily actions. Then they will anticipate their future together with growing enthusiasm.